


i will always hold you close, but i will learn to let you go (i promise i'll do better)

by bloodaccusedstones



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, But it gets fuffy in the end, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 14:31:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2815538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodaccusedstones/pseuds/bloodaccusedstones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been two weeks since you found her all bloody and lying in the river. Right now, she’s sitting in Laura’s (no, not Laura’s, not Laura’s) bed grading papers and you’re reading a philosophy book in your bed. You keep stealing glances at her every once and a while to make sure she’s alright. She’s healed up nicely, she just has a small scar across her face from the battle. You’ll never tell her that you’ve been looking out for her, just like she is for you, but Laura made her promise to take care of you, and you feel like you should look after her too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i will always hold you close, but i will learn to let you go (i promise i'll do better)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote some Lawstein because I was having some feels about them and I think they would be a very interesting duo. I'm sorry for the pain in advance.

///

You jolt awake and a sharp pain in your side makes you hiss. The world is swirling around you and you grab the headboard behind you to steady yourself as you slowly lean on your elbows. You look around slowly (your body is aching and your arms feel like they are on fire). You catch a glimpse of Danny sitting on your bed, only then do you realize that you’re laying on Laura’s bed, and Laura is not in your dorm.

Danny is staring at you and she looks so, so sad, and she’s all cut up and bloody, and Laura’s not in your dorm, and _oh god no._

“Laura?” Her name comes out as a croaked whisper. Tears well in Danny’s eyes ( _oh god no, not Laura_ ) and she hangs her head. “No.” You manage to get up and you push yourself off Laura’s bed (it’s burning; her bed is _burning_ you) and collapse onto the floor. Danny rushes over to you and grabs your arms softly. You toss your elbow out and manage to jab her in the shoulder; she grunts and falls back and your arms fucking hurt. You’re trying to stand but your legs are jelly and your ribs are cracking and your sobbing.

Danny is on her knees next to you saying something but you can’t hear her over the whirling in your ears. You feel her hands on your back and sides but you don’t really feel them because you feel numb.

Laura’s dead. And you didn’t save her.

///

You wake up to voices whispering in your dorm. You lay there, feeling numb, and you don’t really want anyone to notice you.

You recognize the ginger squad’s voices and you want to throw up. Of course they’d be in here. Maybe they are waiting for you to roll over so they can kill you for letting Laura die. You really wish they would kill you, if they could.

“What are we going to tell Carmilla?”

“What do you mean, Perr, I’m sure she knows about…”

“Well, LaFontaine, she might just think that she’s out somewhere. Maybe getting cookies or blood, or... something.”

“She knows.” The amazon’s voice breaks, and if you didn’t hate her entire being, you would’ve felt bad for her.

“How can you be sure she knows?”

“Perry, Carmilla’s not an idiot.”

“LaFontaine, I didn’t ask you, I asked Danny. And I never said she was, it’s just that she died in the light and Danny carried her back here, so maybe she doesn’t know about...about Laura.”

Now that makes your eyes widen; Xena saved you? She should’ve left you to rot.

“Perry, she knows. I was here when she woke up. LaF helped me get her back in bed. She knows.”

“She was delirious.”

“She’s been sleeping for days. It might’ve slipped her mind.”

“Oh my god, Perry, she’s been sleeping because she died and three fourths of her body is broken. She wouldn’t forget Laura.” It’s quiet for a while and all you can hear is three sets of sniffling breaths. “We all won’t.”

You crack open your eyes and see the yellow pillow, and it still smells like her, and it’s _burning_ you so you roll off the bed and land on the ground hard. You scream because that really fucking hurt; you’re sure you heard bones snap. The three jump and the ginger twins try to get you back into her bed, but you’re crying and Danny jumps off your bed and tells the other two to put you on your bed.

They do and you’re in so much pain and you realize that your arms and torso and your left leg is wrapped up in bandages and that’s when it really hits you: you died. You really died. For Laura. Then it hits you again:

Laura’s dead, and you didn’t save her. She was your second chance, and you let her slip through your fingers.

///

It’s been a week and your body has healed (you do have a slight limp though) and you’re curled up in a ball in your bed. LaF and Perry were checking in on you, but you almost killed them one day, so LaF just leave bags of blood outside the door whenever you need it.

You’re debating about going to take a shower (you smell but you don’t want to get up and make the effort to get into the bathroom) when the door slams open. You jump, growl, and swing your head over to the door. There stands Beanpole in all her green pants glory, and you _swear_ , you’re going to _kill_ her.

“Get up, Dead Girl.”

“No.” You grumble and bury your head into your sheets.

“Get. Up” You want to throw something at her; how dare she just waltz into your room and order you around? Who does she think she is? You roll over, preparing for a verbal onslaught, when Laura’s bed catches your eye. It’s empty and the sheets are still rumpled and you miss her, but you feel like you’re suffocating in here, so you look at the ginger and slowly slide off your bed.

You assume you were going too slow for her and annoyed her (that was the plan, of course, you still hate her) because she walks over to you in two strides and yanks your arm. You stumble on your feet and jar your leg, and you yelp, and she drops your arm like it was burning her.

You stare at her and when she doesn’t move, you gesture towards the door and she rolls her eyes, but walks out of the dorm anyway. You start to limp after her, put one hand on the door, look back into the empty room, and close the door.

///

She leads you into the forest that resides behind Silas U. You have to walk a little faster than her to match her strides, her legs are ridiculously long. You grumble and complain the entire way. She steps over a large fallen tree and waits for you. You have trouble getting over it; your leg is aching from all this movement and your legs are too short for this. She leans over, puts one leg on the tree and reaches for your arms. You slap her hands away with a grunt.

“Do you seriously want to fall over, because I will never let you live that down.”

“You’d never let me live down needing your help.”

“Come on, Dead Girl. We need to get there. I’ll let this one slide.” You stare at her, not really believing her, but she looks so tired and pissed and you could say something to really piss her off even more, but she’s here trying to help you when no one else would, so you hold out your hands. She grabs them and leads you closer to the log, and when you start to lift your leg, she puts her hands under your armpits and lifts you over the tree. She sets you down gently and steps off of the tree, and when she’s asks if you’re good, you nod. She rubs her hands over her face, and your eyes are drawn to the scratch across her face and nose, and she starts walking again.

///

You end up in a clearing by a river. She sits down on a large rock and you sit on the smaller one next to her. You both sit in silence for a long, long time, just listening to the water gently sloshing against the river bank. The sun is setting, it was high up in the sky when you came here, and somehow the time just slipped by you.

She had changed positions a few times: she laid down with her back against the rock, then sat in a tree that she didn’t really have to climb, stood with her feet in the water, and now she’s lying on her back next to your feet. She hasn’t said anything and it’s creeping you out.

“Why did you bring me here?”

“Hm?” She sits up on her elbows and looks at you.

“Why did you bring me here, Xena?”

“Hey now, no need to insult me.”

“You insult me!”

“No, I do not!”

“Whatever you say, Fuzzball.”

“ _Watch it,_ Fangs.” She growls.

“You insult my form all the time, you just did. Not really funny, is it?” It’s a low blow and she got you out of the room that you were drowning in, but she insults you all the time, so it doesn’t really bother you. You slide off the stone you were sitting on, lay down in the grass, and there’s a lot of space between you two, but just enough for you to kick her shin: so you do. She kicks back and a lot harder; you should’ve remembered how long her legs are because she ends up kicking your thigh. You growl when you hear her chuckle.

“I brought you here because you weren’t getting better in there.” She says.

“Maybe I don’t want to get better.”

“Maybe,” she whispers, “But before everything went down, she asked me to take care of you if...if anything happened.” You both stay silent after that. What can you say?

///

You’re traversing through the woods looking for her and you really don’t want to, but Perry was worried and you have vampire senses, so you pretty much had to go. You keep stumbling over twigs and it’s fucking with your leg and you are not happy.

She’s been missing for a while. By a while, you mean two days. But none of her Sorority sisters have heard from her and she’s been over at your dorm everyday for two weeks, but you’re not really worried (that’s a lie, you are).

You know where she might be and you find yourself walking into the clearing she took you two all those days ago. She’s laying in the dirt next to the river bank and you smell blood. You quicken your pace a little and stop by her side. She rolls over on her back and looks at you. Her clothes are ripped up and she’s covered in blood and crying. You sigh (bad hunt, you assume) and help her up. You let her lean on you and together you stumble back through the forest to the Summer Society’s dorm.

One girl opens the door and looks suspicious and mildly hostile (vampires and werewolves never get along) until she sees Danny hunched over you, her arm around your shoulder, you practically dragging her towards her. She call out behind her and jumps down the steps and runs over to the two of you. She grabs one of Danny’s arms and throws it over her shoulder, and now Danny is between the two of you and you're walking her to the house. Most girls are clustered together in the doorway and some have their heads sticking out the windows.

You’re grunting and limping badly; Xena’s all dead weight and while you could use your vampire strength to carry her by yourself, you haven't been taking very good care of yourself lately, so you haven’t been drinking a lot of blood. One girl runs up to you and tells you she has Danny, then wraps Danny’s arm around her shoulder and her hand around Danny’s waist and together, the girls drag Danny up the stairs.

You stand there, watching the girls take her inside and a few in the doorway follow, but most stay there and watch you. You feel somewhat awkward and you’ve started turning around to walk back to your dorm when one girl runs up to you.

“Thanks, for bringing her home.”

You nod at her. “Could you, ah, tell LaFontaine and Perry that she’s alive?” She nods and so you start walking back to your room. Your leg is burning and you can’t really step on it, so you end up practically dragging it behind you.

You don’t hear anyone move back into the house. They watched you walk back until the couldn’t see you anymore.

///

It’s been two weeks since you found her all bloody and lying in the river. Right now, she’s sitting in Laura’s (no, not Laura’s, not Laura’s) bed grading papers and you’re reading a philosophy book in your bed. You keep stealing glances at her every once and a while to make sure she’s alright. She’s healed up nicely, she just has a small scar across her face from the battle. You’ll never tell her that you’ve been looking out for her, just like she is for you, but Laura made her promise to take care of you, and you feel like you should look after her too.

You glance at her again; she’s scribbling something on someone’s paper, her face is scrunched up, her hair is in a loose bun and a few strands of hair are falling around her face, framing it. She’s really pretty, and that thought makes you jolt. She looks at you quickly, worry etched across her forehead.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” You grunt and reposition yourself. “Just...my leg.” She nods.

“Whatever you say, Dead Girl. Maybe if you didn’t jump around for mysterious reasons, your leg would hurt.”

“Shut it, Teen Wolf.” You catch her rolling her eyes. Your nickname game hasn’t weakened, but they seem to have less of a punch these days. She finishes grading that paper and picks up another one.

“Thanks, by the way.”

“What? Speak up, Xena.”

“Don’t make me not say it again.”

“Fine, fine. I’m listening.”

“Thanks for, uh, bringing me home.” She looks shyly at you and you know it probably gave her physically pain to thank you.

“Ditto.” She looks sharply at you; she didn’t know that you knew she was the one to carry out of the pit. She nods, and that’s the end of that. She yawns and you tell her that it’s late and she should be heading back to her dorm, but she says that she can crash here and blame the boring papers.

You really want to tease her for that, but tonight marks two months that Laura’s been gone, so you decide to let this opportunity slide. Both of you have been looking after each other and while you’ll admit it’s annoying, you’re glad in a way. She went through the same loss as you had and now you’re healing together.

You pull a blanket over her legs after she passes out.

///

You crash through the door and collapse on your hands and knees. You’re on the library roof and sobbing your lungs out. You fucked up, you _really_ fucked up.

You didn’t mean to do it, but you did, and holy shit, you _fucked up so bad._

You had just walked into your dorm with Danny behind you, and you both had just come back from the dinner.

(You started going to the University’s dinner with the ginger squad after Laura died because they said it would help everyone recover. You had scoffed but agreed when Danny threatened to kick your kneecap in. Danny also made you walk through the park between the locations because, “It’ll help your leg out, Stupid.”)

She was saying something about tomorrow and grading papers and the reading assignment, but all you could look at was her pretty, pretty face. You don’t know what came over you but all of a sudden you were kissing her with everything you had, and she was kissing you back. She fell back onto your bed, pulled you on top of her and had one hand behind your head and the other under your shirt. You groaned at the feeling of her hands against your skin and started grinding down into her.

She moaned, which encouraged you, so you placed one hand next to her head, lifted one of her legs over your back and held it in place with a hand on her thigh. She groaned and you started sucking on her neck, which made her moan louder. You let go of her thigh and stripped her of her shirt. You ran your hands up her torso and started palming her breasts through her bra. She was kissing you hard and panting, and something made you snap back into reality.

You shouldn’t be doing this with her.

You had pushed yourself off of her and fell on the ground, twisting your leg in the process. You had stuttered that you were sorry and ran out of the room.

Which is why you are up on the roof now, crying your eyes out. You feel like you've betrayed Laura. You try to catch your breath and you look up at the stars. Tears are streaming down your cheeks, and you repeat, “I’m _sorry_ , Laura. I’m so sorry,” over and over again. You say it so many times, you’re sure she heard you in heaven.

///

You walk back into your room the next day and it’s night, actually, but you’ve been in your favorite field all day, so it doesn’t really matter to you. You sit on the edge of your bed and rest your head in your hands. A bang makes you raise your head, and it’s her, wearing orange skinny jeans. Of course.

She closes the door and you both just stare at each other. You sigh and lower your head back into your hands because you’re so tired and you aren’t mentally prepared for this conversation. You feel the edge of the bed dip and you know she’s sitting next to you. You’re both quiet for a long, long time, because you don’t know how to breach the subject.

“I don’t regret it.” You move your head so that only one eyes is looking at her, but she’s staring at the wall next to Laura's (no, not Laura's) bed. You gently nudge her foot with yours to encourage her to continue. “I..I feel...guilty in some way, but I don’t regret it.” She whispers to you, and she says it like its a secret that she’s never told anyone before (it is, though).

“Why?” You ask quietly. You’re not sure why you’re whispering; you’re the only ones in the room.

“I...Laura asked me to take care of you. She wanted us to get along. Maybe she didn’t see this happening but, she would’ve wanted us to be happy. She would’ve wanted us to move on.” She’s moving her foot back and forth and you’re certain it’s scuffing the floor, but you don’t really care. You reach out and grab her forearm gently and her foot stops moving.

“I don’t regret it, either.”

She smiles softly and you smile back (Laura would understand; she was the most understanding person you had ever met).

///

Later that night, you fuck her into the mattress and she leaves scratches down your back. You had fallen asleep on her chest, listening to her heartbeat, your legs tangled together. When you wake up, the scratches ache beautifully.

///

“Come on, Beanpole.”

“Where are we going?”

“If you’d hurry up, you’d know by now!” You hear her huff and you grin. It’s dark outside, the sky is the clearest it’s been in months, and you’re walking in a large, open field. You finally reach your destination: a small hill topped with a lone tree.

“Whoa.” She breathes. “What’s this?”

“You showed my your favorite place, so, I’m showing you mine.” You gesture to the tree. She walks past you, but not before hip-bumping your side. You grunt and she laughs softly, then plops down on the ground with her back against the tree trunk.

///

She’s resting and looking at the stars. You have your legs draped over her lap and she’s massaging your bad leg, but you don’t think she’s noticed that. You look at her; she’s wearing blue skinny jeans, her letterman with a hoodie under it, glasses, and a beanie. Her nose is slightly red from the cold. You follow her gaze and she’s staring at Laura.

(You were walking back from the dinner at night a few days ago and you spotted a bright star, one that you hadn’t noticed before. It was her idea to name it after Laura. “See, she’s watching out for us, Fangs.” ) (Danny is not Laura. No one could be Laura. But Danny is a close second, and you're very grateful to have a third chance)

You place your gaze back on her.

“Danny?” She looks at you, worried. You realize that you called her by her name, which you never do. You reach out your hand to her. She takes it, and her forehead softens.

“Yeah, Carmilla?”

“I’m really glad it was you.”

She smiles at you and squeezes your hand. She knows what you mean.

She always does.


End file.
